Goblin War Machine Review

Usually, when I sit down to write a review it will concern something bizarre and thoroughly French. Today is different, though, because I’ve been indulging in something we can all enjoy – mass murder. The game in question is Goblin War Machine, an indie flash title brought to you by Big Block Games. When I first heard about Goblin War Machine, I must admit the terms ‘indie’ and ‘flash’ put me off. They awakened that little part of the brain that’s caused me to buy every single Call of Duty title and play through them twice. I wouldn’t blame you for having a similarly apathetic reaction, but trust me: this is worth a look.

Goblin War Machine has a very simple premise. You control a great big hulking metal beast, cobbled together and piloted by the eponymous goblins. The purpose of this machine? Annihilation of every single human on the face of the earth, one town at a time. Levels are a side scrolling affair, as you plough through town and castle killing as many humans as you can. You’ll start by grinding terrified cows and peasants into paste under your wheels, before graduating to more well-defended settlements. While it sounds like a fairly simple, Newgroundsy affair, there’s a few things that make this more interesting than that.

For a start, kills equate to currency, which can be spent on a variety of customizations for your war machine. Buy some huge springs and the wheels to go with it, and you’ll be about as tall as the screen – air enemies no longer at an advantage, cows still just as crap. Buying different core frames affects the amount of springs and wheels your vehicle holds, which can in turn lead to different shapes and speeds – pretty in-depth stuff for a free flash game.

To demonstrate, here’s my agile war machine:

And my absolutely terrifying, humongous, unflippable beast of a battle-tank:

Because physics-based fun is very much on the cards, your choice of setup can have some pretty noticeable consequences. My behemoth had no problem in breaking up towers and lumbering over the shattered remains of houses, but when it came to sections where the floor falls away if you spend too much time on it, things were a lot easier with the nimbler design. Of course, the smaller machine was more prone to flipping, and the more things I destroyed, the more difficult it became to get around.

While a game like this can hardly be expected to package a brilliant script, Big Block Games have injected some fantastic little shreds of humour into the mix. After every mission, you’re given a summary of the town’s fate following your rampaging visit. These are based upon the amount of survivors that were spared the business-end of your cannon, and this is by far the best one I received:

There’s laughs, there’s killing, there’s customization and physics based destruction – and it’s all free! While it’s hardly 2011′s Red Dead Redemption, Goblin War Machine has a lot going for it as a ‘bit of a laugh’ sort of game. There’s achievements, a good few parts to unlock, and the ability to drive over cows. If you’re not in the least bit intrigued, you’re quite probably dead inside, and should see your GP.

Play the game, or check out the teaser below: